"Chris Beiler is dead, maybe."

Thursday mornings I meet for prayer with a guy named Ernie. We meet at his house at 5:30 and eat cereal, drink coffee, munch on fruit, and talk about what's going on in our lives. Ernie is a plumber but he only works 3 days a week because his parents are on the mission field in Kenya and he has to take care of their farm while they are gone. Ernie is not lazy at all, like some people would think, because he only works at this job three days a week. Ernie knows how to manage things and he knows the real meaning of life. The other morning Ernie was sitting there eating his oranges and said, "You know a lot of times we think that the more we get done the more successful we are." "Oh yeah," I said, "that is what we think, isn't it." Then Ernie's comment hit me. You know what? This is exactly how I live my life - the more I get done the more successful I feel about myself.

My Christianity has become all about getting things done. I like this religion because I'm pretty good at getting things done. I'm German and German's get things done. It's amazing how often I make Christianity fit my life rather than making my life fit Christianity. The problem is, however, that unless my life changes to fit God's truth I am living in bondage. Ernie the plumber woke me up on this one. So I'm not a better Christian if I get more good things done today? Really? But, but..... So what then is success? Why do you want to know? Why is it so important to be successful? Why do you care at all about living Christianity the way you are supposed to?

Ah hah, it's all coming together now. You see these are surface questions. The real issue at heart is why is there a "me" at all? Why is there a "self" to get it right, or to mess up? Why is there a Chris Beiler to either be successful or a failure? We've been duped. We believe that if we can do "this" and do "that" than we are being Christian. But there is a huge focus problem here. It's all about us being selfless, us being faithful, us living like Christ intended. And so we run and run and run. We run around thinking..."The more of these things I get done the more faithful I've been."

May I ask some questions: I thought you were supposed to be dead. Why are we only dead to doing bad things? If we are really dead doesn't that mean we can't do good things either? Our performance, pride based Christianity comes out of the belief that I am dead to doing wrong things but self can sure still do a lot of good things.

If we are truly dead we are nothing more than a physical body.  Our spiritual breath is the pneuma from God - the Holy Spirit. We don't do anything. The question of us being successful in our Christian walk is irrelevant because we exist no more. We are only a walking shell housing God. This is the only way for us truly to become God's hands and feet. Maybe the only reason we are still trying to learn what to do to follow God is because self is still alive (maybe - I'm not sure on this one). The only way for us to die is to surrender to the Father and allow him to crucify our "self." When we are dead then there is finally room for God to move in. From this moment forward our life is to use our minds and hearts to walk where God wants to walk, talk what God wants to say and on and on. Doing one more thing for God is not more successful if God hasn't asked for it.

So what's the difference between what I've condemned so far and what I've condoned. Maybe not too much, but maybe a whole lot. I'm not sure yet. I have a cousin Abby who lives on a farm and actually milks cows. She's pretty cool and she wrote a little article about love. I didn't ask here if I could use it so don't tell her that you read it, but I like the part where she scribbles out all her goals and decides just to love. I think that's what I'm trying to say.  

             Love. we read about it.   we hear sermons on it. we sing about it often. we love to feel love. But if I were to be completely honest, i would have to say that this os one area that God brings me back to over and over again.

Oh, I say that i know what love is, and I say that I love others, but again and again God peels back the layers of my heart and  exposes just how ugly and not-very-loving it is..

I see pride, selfishness, ulterior motives, and my reputation, all playing a part in the way I love others. I hate it, but I love it at the same time. And if there's one thing I'm good at, its loving myself. My time. My space. My good name.

But as always Jesus brings me back to the very place where He demonstrated His perfect love for me.

Perfect love.

It's another term we throw around. But perfect love isn't the way I love. Perfect love is the love that Jesus had for Judas Iscariot, the traitor. The one He discipled, only to have Judas turn around and stab Him in the back. Jesus knew from the beginning of time that Judas would betray Him, yet it never changed the way Jesus loved him. Perfect love. Unconditional love. I don't understand God's timing, or why I cried last night and finally said, "ok, God, I get it!"

I realize how easily a performance based love can subtly creep into my life. I love people that are making the right choices, and are generally behaving the way that I want then to behave. But what of those that reject me and my love?

I once read a story about a pastor who received a call from his wife, saying that their 16 year old son had come home drunk. The pastor was furious. His son was respected in school , and a leader in youth group. How could he do this? But after spending time in prayer, the pastor drove home, where his son waited nervously for his return. The pastor stood before his son and said, " Son, I really love you. I hate what you've done, but I want you to know that I still love you."

The son broke down, and crying, said, "Dad, I've heard you say that a hundred times, but now I know its true".

Our Honey Brook girls choir leaves on tour tomorrow. I've spent a lot of time praying and asking God what He wants for this weekend. I even wrote down some goals. good goals.

But this morning I scribbled them out and wrote just one.

LOVE THEM. with perfect love.

pretty simple, huh? :)

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." - John 12:24

Friedrich Neitzsche, a German philosopher is famous for having declared that "God is dead."  Someday, I hope to be able to declare with 100% accuracy that "Chris is dead."  Maybe that's all I'm saying today.  Maybe I'm just really tired of making "self" be a Christian when God is calling us to die to self and let him be alive inside of us.  Maybe, maybe....


P.S.  About a month ago, I finally read the book Blue like Jazz by Donald Miller.  I think I was the only person in the whole world who hadn't yet read that book.  I disagreed with a lot of what Don said and also some of his approach to life, but he also had some really good stuff to say.  Most of all I really like his writing style so I decided to try to write a blog with this style in mind.  What a guy Don is.


Thanks Abby for the use of your Facebook post.  Too bad you probably don't even know this is here.  I like to put invisible things at the ends of my emails and blogs.  Heh heh.  Anyway thanks a lot.  Your cuz.  

EUREKA!

             I just heard a statistic yesterday that said four out of five young people are leaving church.  Woa!  How in the world are we going to be a light to the people around us if the people who know the in's and out's of Christianity are saying there is nothing here worth following?  The mantra of today's Christian young people is that we want something more.  The whole impetus behind the emergent church is a belief that the typical Bible belt Christian of America has missed something drastic.  The core of America's Christian stereotype is a moral, Blue Collar, Republican, Caucasian, from a rural area who works hard, goes to church on Sundays, and does good community things the rest of the week.  For some reason there has been a reaction in the past ten years to this picture of Christianity.  Listen to Shane Claiborne, Rob Bell, and the rest of the emergent church and you will hear the subtle tones that "normal" American Christianity has missed really missed something.
               Now, if I thought the emergent church had their head in the sand and was seeing some kind of false reality I would pass the whole movement off.  However, I feel strongly that the emergent church has put their finger on a huge problem, and so I rise up with the young people of my generation and say there has got to be more to Christianity.  As I voice my opinion, I find that I am far from alone.  The cry of the Christian young people of our age seems to be either that Christianity was not the real deal and so I left, or if Christianity is the real deal there has got to be more to it.
             A number of years back, convinced that I was going to do "big things" for God I began searching for where God wanted me to serve.  Surely it had to be on some great mission field doing exciting things, because this is always where you find the real Christians.  I began asking God, "Where do you want me to go?"  I went on mission trips to test different areas.  I prepared to leave the area by going to college so I would have access to foreign limited access nations.  In the middle of all this God seemed strangely quiet, and so I searched harder and asked with more desperation, "God, what is your will for my life?" I asked day after day.  I searched and searched.  Nothing seemed to break through.   Dream after dream of a life of excitement crumbled in front of me until I finally came to the realization that God is calling me to live in "Bible belt" Lancaster County.  I'm Caucasian.  If you don't know me very well you'd think I'm a Republican.  Everywhere I look I see fields and cows - yup, it's a rural area all right.  I work hard and go to church on Sundays: a normal church - we don't meet under a bridge or in a coffee shop or some other cool place.  I try to do good community things when I'm not at church.  Yea, you guessed it.  I'm the stereotype of American Christianity and for a while it drove me crazy.  I knew God had missed something.
               All my life I've wanted to live an abnormal life.  I didn't want more normal Christianity, but every time I heard God's voice it was calling me back to a life of what I thought was normalcy.  Finally I gave up trying.  I found a job 5 minutes from my house where I work 40 - 50 hours a week.  I decided to put my energy into my local church - not that exciting but it's where God called me.  The amazing thing is that I am finally finding the fire that I've been looking for for so long.  I feel like I was a worm and I just stepped out of my caccoon.  Suddenly some things are looking a bit different.  Maybe way different.  I'm also seeing in more and more ways that what I'm finding, perfectly lines up with story after story in the gospels.  Let me explain myself.
                In Luke 17 the disciples ask Jesus, "Lord, increase our faith."  I can almost read their thoughts.  Wow we are gonna soon be able to really do great things for God once we get this truckload of faith.  Jesus' response is very intriguing.  He almost brushes the question off with a quick statement that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed you will be able to move mountains.  Jesus basically said that with virtually no faith at all you can move continents around if you want to.  Okay?  Jesus goes on to truly answer the disciples question.  He gives the example of a master and his servant.  The servant has been working for his master all day while (reading between the lines) the master has been out playing golf for the day.  When the master comes home who gets to eat first?: the master of course.  After the master has eaten and all the master's needs are met the servant finally gets a chance to sit down and get some food and rest.  What is the servants proper response?  "I have only done my duty."
              What is Jesus saying?  I think he is saying that the issue at the heart of God is being faithful, not having faith.  But aren't these two words the same?  I believe he who is faithful should be thought of as a person of great faith (full of faith = faithful).  In modern Christian terminology we do not use these two words the same.  We think of faith as a thought, a mind over matter projection of my intellect.  However, a person who is faithful is one who consistently obeys the wishes of his master.  The commonly accepted thought process is that if I can just think correctly about God I can heal this person, I can do this miracle or have this prayer answered.  That is what I believe the disciples wanted.  They were not content with the stereotype God-following Judiasm of their day and they wanted more, and so they asked Jesus to increase their faith.  Jesus called them to be faithful.
             For years my prayers to God were, "God show me your will."  However, I'm seeing more and more that my prayer should be (as it says in the Lord's prayer), "Father, your will be done," and "God, help me be faithful."  Since I started praying these two prayers my Christian life has been anything but normal.  There has been a huge change, but it has not come from changing what type of building I meet in Sunday mornings, or going to some far-out place to do missions.  The change has come from being faithful.  I pray that one day I will be eligible for the Hall of Faith, not because I knew how to concentrate my beliefs in God in the right way so I could do miracles and be an extremely "alive" Christian, but because I have simply done my duty.
             This idea of faithfulness is everywhere in the gospels: the 5 virgins who stayed awake,  the poor widow who kept begging the judge, the servants who were given talents,.......  Ephesians says, "By grace you are saved through faith."  God extends salvation to the people who are willing to faithfully follow him.  Does that mean we're earning our salvation? No.  Part of my journey of learning faithfulness has been a whole new concept of salvation and the gospel message.  Let me explain it like this.
           I believe the book of Nehemiah paints a picture of the Christian life.  The nation of Israel was in captivity because of their sin.  The city of Jerusalem was broken down.  The land was ruled by God-mockers.  The temple was burnt.  Our lives were like the city of Jerusalem.  They were broken down with sin.  "Self" the God-mocker, ruled our heart.  The temple God's place of residence in our life was completely non-existence.  At salvation a new king comes to rule the city.  Our lives are under new management.  God's presence moves into our lives as our hearts become a place of worship.  However, just like the walls of Jerusalem were still broken down for years after the Jews returned to Israel, there are many areas in my life that still need mending.  As we faithfully follow God he rebuilds our walls.  The king resides in the city whose people are willing to be faithful.  We are saved through faithfulness.
          The initial establishment of a new king in the city occurs as we accept Christ's invitation to the wedding feast (to use an analogy from another of Jesus' parables).  Sure there is some "head-work" done here because we have to believe that there is a God who is inviting us to a wedding feast.  All we do at salvation is accept the invitation to let God be king.  Our faithfulness to God is a response to him becoming the king  To conclude I believe the faith that God is talking about has more to do with our modern day usage of the word faithful, than our typical modern day use of the word faith.
           So you want more from Christianity young person?  Start being faithful.  Many young people have not been disillusioned by Christianity because the last generation was not exciting enough but because the past generation was not faithful enough.  To get true Christianity back we cannot go searching for excitement but for faithfulness.
          These are a few of my musings as of late.  Next week they will probably be slightly refined and changed but I thought I'd throw the very very rough copy out on the table for now.